I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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