I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
