Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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