I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My penis needs a shock collar
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
