the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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