Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
