I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
