There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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