I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I AM VODKA MAN
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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