just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
