She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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