Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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