I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
