My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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