The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Is it penis luge time yet?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
