All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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