He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Randomize
