im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
