Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
