I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
