Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
