Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
