My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
