Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
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I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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