my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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