Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
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I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
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Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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