The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
