If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
