New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
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I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
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Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize