Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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