guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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