No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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