Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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