I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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