i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
