my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
