Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just had sex on a roof
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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