i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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