I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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