Too much gin, very little bucket
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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