He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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