he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
