She said her name was "party"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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