The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
