I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It's rum buckets o'clock
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
