I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
