I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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