My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
