girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
