Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
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how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
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I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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