I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
4 words: hood of his car
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
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dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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