I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
