Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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