he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
