i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Let's get the cat blown out
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
