i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize