there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It was like giving head to a cactus.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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