My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
What changed your mind?
Being sober
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
