After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
