A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
